You Can't Always 'Cut' Them Off.
How containment serves us in volatile relationship dynamics.
There is someone in my life that I am afraid of and I rattle a bit just saying that.
“Burn the bridge!” “Cut them off!” the collective masses bellow.
I can’t.
I must learn to balance myself in this dynamic.
Adult relationships require us to learn to communicate with people who we do not like, who may not always feel ‘safe’ to us. Certain responsibilities do not allow us to cut ties and run.
It’s not a matter of them being ‘blood.’ It’s not a matter of them being a boss, a neighbor, a lover, a friend, or anyone that I would choose to call ‘family’ in my own situation and it won’t matter in yours.
Who they are is not important. What matters is how you handle yourself.
A surprise text from the person of whom I’m afraid set me on edge a few days ago. A request. A rather timely response returned from me followed by an immediate push for more from them. A push past what I had offered and an assumption returned in the form of a boundary violation with the intention to intrude even further.
Remember…
I cannot ‘cut’ them off.
What have I done instead?
I ignored the message for about 48 hours. I have watched my system—energetically and physically—contract to protect itself. I have acknowledged that I am afraid of this individual. I have put my own nervous system first allowing myself to soak in hot water, make food, garden, and tend at my own pace to the other bodies in my home who are under my care. I have intentionally set the space and the pace.
I have held myself.
This person who I am afraid of once acted in an intimidating way toward me on my own property. Intimidation, especially with a two or more year history into the past, is not cause for any kind of social intervention. The way our ‘system’ works, you must be actively in danger—physically threatened—for the police to intervene. So, that is not an option, either.
What will I do?
I have already done the majority of the work. I have acknowledged my fear instead of trying to talk myself out of it. I have engaged in self-regulating practices—cooking, cleaning, gardening, walking—and I have co-regulated with others both on the phone and in person.
Most importantly, I have pulled my own energy around me to form a protective container.
I can feel my aura clear and bright with an almost rubberlike quality to it. That’s right, motheruhuh, “I’m rubber you’re glue, whatever you do to me bounces off and sticks right to you.”
I have reinforced the protective wards around my home. Because there is a psychic as well as physical component to invasiveness.
On my own terms, I am ready to talk to this person. I am ready to take the next step to meet the required engagement. I will do this first by text, then by phone, then in person while putting layers of energetic containment between me and them every step of the way. When we do meet it will be in public. I will set the terms. I will choose a place I feel safe where I know other people will be nearby. People who will intervene if the situation gets ugly.
I will not collapse!
I will give them no opening to take anything that I am not offering. I will not rise to manipulative bait. I will make no agreements that my body is not in alignment with.
I will not be moved.
Not being moved means feeling deeply into my own roots and allowing myself to sway with the brewing storm. It means bending instead of fracturing, but bending in a way that supports my growth and commitments, bending in a way that turns me around impediments and towards the light while sinking silently into the rich supportive soil.
I will not be uprooted. I will root even more deeply into the terra firma that nurtures my body and psyche and eventually this too will be compost for my growth.
This and other processes will be imparted in my upcoming course, Containment: the sacred art of holding yourself.
This course will be an exploration into relational dynamics that are soul-sourced and how to navigate the dynamics of relationships that try to steal your soul.
We can’t always ‘cut’ them off, but we can learn how to be in this world in ways that does not make us ‘food’ for these predatory and parasitic forces. And they are everywhere. Not just in your personal relationships, but deeply imbedded into the very socio-plotical-economic structures that we are enmeshed with.
I wish to impart to you the physical, psychological, and psychic tools for you to navigate this hostile ‘field’ and the relationships that in are infested with it.
Containment begins tomorrow, June, 11 2025, and will go for the next 3 weeks. We will be meeting on Wednesday at 2pm MT.
If you are interested, please follow this link to register and use code ROOTED for $50 off your course fee.
Lotsa love,
Justice
It’s true. A dv advocate reminded me to document all ongoing incidents. There was a quieter harassment period for months after a relationship ended where I had to negotiate regarding a shared child in common. I tried to be amicable by meeting in public places, but the abuser escalated. It’s important to strategize with advocates who have expertise assessing and creating safety plans. When the person realized I would not be coerced into reuniting, the fear for my safety established clear and present danger. In civil cases, declarations by witnesses of past behavior can establish the pattern. Also, if there is any history of intimate partner or other violence, previous orders can be submitted with a petition. I moved toward seeking protective orders from the court.
These aren’t reciprocal relationships that end in a recognizable way with mutual disappointment or feelings of grief. Escaping safely is important because the most dangerous time for a woman is when she’s trying to get away.
I found an advocacy agency that was instrumental in helping create enforceable boundaries with a serial predator who needed legal consequences for violating them. She told me to record interactions and to create a log which I did use effectively to protect my family.
I renewed the order four years in a row until he chose to stop engaging. I called the police every time to file a police report and establish a pattern. They were also there for us, but they will be quick to say they can’t intervene without orders. They recommended us to always call and document regardless because the police report itself can be entered into evidence even if the person is gone before arrival.
Please don’t hesitate to call on police and ask for follow through if you feel threatened. To file a civil order, fear for your safety is considered. People say snitches get stitches but I will sing like a birdie and call the police all day and night.
It’s ok to enlist support from law enforcement. Stay safe.