Un-Mastering Our Emotions: Unraveling Trance & Letting Feelings Emerge.
We are sensing, feeling beings.
We are here to experience life—not to control it. When we are being true to our tender, imperfect humanity it is inevitably going to get messy.
One of the most commonly used phrases in the self-development world is: “Master Your Emotions.”
Type this phrase (master your emotions) into Google and 126,000,000 hits come up in 0.74 seconds. On the first page alone there are four books, three videos, and a slew of other resources. This is clearly an important subject of inquiry with a multitude of perspectives being offered on it.
So who am I to suggest that maybe there is some kind of fallacy to this way of thinking about our feelings? I’m not sure what to say except the concept of mastery—over anything really, but particularly our emotions—doesn’t sit well with me.
Years ago a colleague and I developed a course called “Clear Heart Mastery.” In it we taught about emotions, empathy, compassion, and offered a rather self-centric model for interacting with consciousness. When I look back at that course, the word that comes to mind is pretentious. And that is what the concept of emotional mastery feels like to me—pretension.
Emotions are fluid, mercurial, impossible to capture and unhealthy to suppress.
Emotions are often linked to water, which has the ability to manifest in many forms. Water can be fathomless as the ocean. It can be placid, like a deep, cool lake. It can be tumultuous, like a river swollen by spring rains. Water can flow smoothly and easily down a pebbled brook or laughingly over rocks and moss. Water can freeze or even be turned to steam. It is the only element that can be a liquid, solid, and a gas.
It is no wonder that water—with all of its moods and transformability—is often associated with emotions.
Though people engage in all kinds of water sports, I have never heard someone say. “I have mastered water.” That is because we cannot master an element. We can become skilled in navigating it, and though the thesaurus lists skilled as a synonym for mastery, to me it does not equate to the same thing.
Applying mastery to feelings makes our emotions sound like something that needs to be controlled. This is a very ‘‘top down’’ approach. What that means is using the mind in order to control (or attempt to control) the more subtle reality and that includes the body. In reverse, a “bottom up” approach we are taking the sensations and subtle (and not so subtle) signals of the body into consideration—rather than trying to subjugate them.
An emotion is defined as: a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.
The word that stands out in that definition to me is: instinctive. And what is an instinct? I will offer up my definition.
An instinct is an innate, primary urge or reaction that arises in response to stimulation: a feeling, an impulse, a desire or a need.
Humans have some basic needs to survive physically: the need for water, food, and shelter are at the top of the list, followed by the need for sex (to procreate). We also have a need for belonging and though that might get relegated to an emotional need rather than a physiological need, it is both.
Babies cannot survive without their parents, specifically their mothers, and from an evolutionary standpoint, we couldn’t survive without tribes.
So what does our experience of family or tribe (or lack of it) have to do with emotions or mastering them? Everything.
Because we are communally-oriented, as a species, our nervous systems develop with other nervous systems. Babies, until they get to a certain age, cannot calm themselves or self-soothe. They need other bodies—other nervous systems—to co-regulate.
The presence of another body near a baby (when they are physically or emotionally distressed) teaches, at a somatic (body) level that comfort will come and needs will be met. These are emotional and physiological needs. And I have to wonder: can our nervous system tell the difference?
When our nervous systems are dysregulated we become prone to all kinds of neuroses and even illnesses.
We may lean towards anxiety or depression. We may have hyper or hypo arousal. In other words: we may become over-excitable or we may have no capacity for excitement at all. People who get stuck in emotional loops are often neurologically dysregulated.
A client of mine, a gentleman who recently turned 60, was lamenting about his temper. He tends to have a short fuse and excessive anger. As he described how he had most recently “lost it” on an employee, I watched his body sink, not with anger—but with shame. The shame/anger combo is a common one and knowing this clients’ history doesn’t surprise me.
He was born premature, left for hours in an incubator, and later grew up in a volatile, alcoholic household. During the key phase of development where co-regulation is most necessary, he was essentially left in a box. Later in life, his emotional models were either explosive or complacent.
People who have anger issues often say things like “I need to control my temper.”
Another more friendly and physiologically accurate way to describe the needed process is: “I need to regulate my nervous system.” Practices that encourage a person to take deep breaths, count to five before saying or doing anything (as a means of holding their temper), are actually tapping into the neurological regulating process.
Deep inhales and even longer, slower exhales help to stimulate the vagus nerve, which helps to activate the parasympathetic system, which turns on when the body is safe.
Once our limbic system is activated, our entire system is prepared for danger. The body’s instinctive reaction is to run or fight and if it can’t do either of those, it will freeze. When that extreme stimulation gets stuck in our nervous system it may take years for the body to discharge it. So when in the midst of an episode is not the right time to tackle it. These practices with the nervous system need to be engaged in and practiced when not in the heat of the moment.
Anger is a viable and valuable emotion. It lets us know when our boundaries are being violated and it lets us know when we need to protect ourselves. We don’t want to vilify our anger or any of our emotions. We want support our nervous systems navigating various forms of stimulation.
We don’t get separate systems to sort through pain and pleasure; the same goes when it comes to what are commonly thought of as “positive” or “negative” emotions.
As a hypnotherapist, I study and utilize trance for my work. This does not mean that I “put people under”. The way I was trained (therapeutically) is that people are already in a trance, and it is my job to help them “awaken” to their innate aliveness.
A trance state is not some mystical thing. People go in and out trances all the time in daily life: driving a car, washing dishes, scrolling on our phone, etc. Anytime we are not utilizing the full faculties of our attention within an experience, we are in a form of trance. It can be a form of mild to severe dissociation as well.
It is said that children are in trance for the first few years of their life. They have not developed any psychological filters and so everything (so to speak) “gets in”. Children are absorbing their parents’ emotions and in that highly suggestible and unformed state, they tend to interpret that whatever is going on in the adults around them is about them or that they are the cause of it. In other words, if a parent gets angry, not only does that child absorb that anger, but they will often think that they made mommy or daddy mad. Without help from the adult to process that emotion, it can, as I already said, get stuck in their system—in their body—for years.
Though it may seem contradictory, we often focus on negative emotions because our brain prioritizes our safety.
Aside from early life, trance tends to occur whenever we experience a trauma or a shock. Our brain will highlight or disappear information, feelings, sensations, and memories in order to help us cope with our experiences. The disappearing is known as “negative trance” and the highlighting is known as a “positive trance”.
The suppression or excitation of emotions inevitably has consequences for our nervous systems and bodies. However, if sensations are able to flow freely through our nervous system, we are far less prone to emotional congestion or blow ups.
The primary problem is actually believing that there are any negative emotions in the first place. But then not having had neurological mirroring for intense, difficult feelings and experiences sets us up for not being able to process them. Neurological regulation allows us to safely feel the full spectrum of emotions.
Emotional mastery is unnecessary when compassionate, curious attention flows with patience and presence.
I have shared a lot of concepts and terminology to describe something that is the most fundamental human truth: we—humans—are sensing, feeling beings.
People are complex and the emotions that motivate us are as well.
In her book, “Atlas Of The Heart”, Brené Brown talks about 87 human emotions. She also says that most people are able to identify three: mad, sad, and glad. So if the majority of the population isn’t even aware of 84 permutations and expressions of human emotions… then what exactly are we mastering anyway?
I would like to propose a different approach to emotional mastery: that we get to know our emotions, that we become curious about them as well as our own inner lives. I propose we befriend our feelings!
To get the full benefit of this offering, I invite you to sign up for a paid subscription. You will get this essay, read by me, and that will include a brief body-based meditation to help soothe your nervous system and befriend your feelings.
I would love to know what you think of this post. If so inspired, feel free to leave a comment. And if you would like to join the community, check out my subscriber options as well as my website, www.bedheadymystic.com
I’m also super excited to be offering a course on symbology and dreamwork this Autumn. Dream Keys. This course will beneficial for anyone (not only those who remember their dreams), who wants to explore the symbolic nature of reality. All the details, including early bird registration, can be found on my site.
Lotsa love,
~Justice
I appreciate your efforts to describe a loosely defined catch phrase that is tossed around quite liberally. It reads to me like you just don't like the word "mastery" used in this context, because you later propose a "new" definition/approach which already exists ("I would like to propose a different approach to emotional mastery: that we get to know our emotions, that we become curious about them as well as our own inner lives. I propose we befriend our feelings!") This is not new at all. This is what most coaches, mentors, and healing facilitators consider to be the basis of Emotional Mastery. It certainly has been in my experience working with both therapists and a spiritual life coach. You may be conflating mastery with suppression or avoidance. Not the same thing. I also think that a lot of people use the phrase Emotional Mastery when what they really mean is mastering reactivity and outbursts, etc. Using techniques like deep breathing as you've suggested. Mastering their REACTIONS to their Emotions or their relationship to certain emotional states, not the emotions themselves. I see a lot of online therapists throwing shade at coaches and healing facilitators (and vice versa) over this term. Insulting each others' work or offers and then providing their own (so much better and evolved) services. Basically re-packaged and marketed under different labels and catch phrases, but ultimately resulting in the same exact modalities or processes. The new way to market themselves and "set themselves apart" in a sea of sameness, is to discredit competitors and their work by "redefining" terminology, throwing criticism around, and positioning themselves as the better option. I'm glad to read an article that doesn't attempt to do that, so thank you for this!
I really enjoyed this Justice, and 87 different emotions! WOW. Thanks for writing this informative article.