Fourteen days since dad died 21 years meth free, 7 spent spinning realities in the Matrix Energetics. Seven home. Seven has always been significant in cycles for me.
The power of love and the love of power. So much said and not yet said. Daughter and daddy. Beauty and beast. So real and unreal. Becoming and unraveling. This hit the core of my psyche. Thanks for taking the time to share the story and the dance you have had with spectral substances. Much love as you move forward in grace and healing and the love you share with the world and others.
"Spectral substances", I like the way you put that. There is much I have learned from love, life, the seen, unseen, the toxic, and the holy. It is good to put it into writing.
There is so much in your story that runs parallel to my experience of the person I spoke with you about personally, who also essentially died of medical neglect--by her own choosing. Also the narcissism theme swimming in the same pool as the big, big LOVE. In my early months of grieving her, it was such a phenomenal mind fuck. I noticed "out there" in the healy-feely world of grief processing (enter eye-rolling emoji HERE), not a lot of space is held for the ugly underbelly of grieving a narcissistic person. We are often quite conditioned to not speak ill of the dead, and instead place them on a pedestal of everlasting goodness--and that act alone is such a dissociative action. When I got to speak the dichotomy out loud and was genuinely heard by a few someones who knew her in the entirety of her spectrum, I could finally breathe all the way in and all the way out.
I hope this for you, Justice, that you speaking your goddamnmotherfucking TRUTH liberates you and liberates all who may feel stuck in the territory of complex grief.
Mourning a narcissist is a whole other thing isn't it?! I will not pretend Dad was something to me that he wasn't. I won't pretend that the way he lived his life and navigated his relationships wasn't at least as if not more painful than his death--which hurts! But to say that the "good" he did good others offsets or "balances out" the damage he did to every bloody person who tried to love him "intimately" is not a judgement call I'm going to make. I'm just going to keep writing about what actually happened and how I feel. Much love to you and the complexity of this specific grief.
Powerful revealing and deep insights into drugs and spiritual work. Yes often energy vampires in human and spirit form are attracted to both these mind altering "substances". There is healing and freedom possible. And also damage and slavery. So complex. Much love.
I relate to this more than I have energy to express atm. On every level. Different story, but the same rhythm and energy, including seeing/experiencing harvesting by entities in the way you experienced. The similarity of that energy, to a class A addiction I also relate to and was aware of how it echoed in my own life. Yet it also made me supremely aware of dark/negative feasting energies working through people.
All of this is such a brilliant and succinctly written expression and I’m sorry for your loss. I also understand the mixed feelings.
My own father died a long time ago, but was very well known and there was a great amount of darkness and obvious spiritual forces at play ..and it left a hard legacy energetically beyond the ‘norm’ so I really get you( I feel )
Hardly anyone really understands my experiences so it’s nice to see something I relate to delivered with such clarity. Especially as these forces are still rearing their head and ricocheting in my own immediate family at present.
What you have shared adds another layer of understanding about the sociopath who targeted both of us. With this "understanding" about you, I am even less surprised we both became objects of prey to him. He actually said to me one time, "There will be things about me that will remind you of your dad. Those are your fears and shadows trying to get in our way." Uh, those are my instincts asshole, because you are a flaming narcissist just like him.
I wish you luck navigating the dynamics with your own family. It's fucking hard, but when we come through it we have ourselves in a way "they" never will.
Thanks and yes, he was hideous ~ it definitely makes and made sense even while I was in it. He was actually broken and confused by the time I left as he had not been able to break me or gaslight let alone have access to me. I was logistically stuck for the time I was there, but like you knew at first sight and scent. Split second! Fucking gross!
Actually come up against darker so see him as a pretty low level ‘demon’
Beautifully written. I have felt some guilt in examining my grief from my daughter's death this year. These feelings are usually brought on by the good and not-so-great aspects of both our relationships and personalities. After reading this, I realized that this is what a truthful relationship is: allowing and accepting the ugly parts along with the good.
You put into words what I sensed at the only Matrix conference I went to. I think it was the last one in San Farnsisco. I knew there was something powerful there but also something that had way too much ego to be healthy. Not just from your dad but also from the audience. The only experince that was pure and powerful centered on your daughter. I was standing in the back during the practice. Your daughter walked up to me and gently touched my heart with her index finger. Everything disappeared. There was only black, what I call the void, where all is created. Then suddenly I was on the floor and everything was back. Your daughter was standing over me worried she had hurt me. I assured her she hadn't and that I was fine. In fact, I was laughing. I wish I had told her that she had just given me the most brilliant and beautiful experience of the 3 days. Also the only real experience of Matrix I had. I am glad you were able to disconnect those cords.
Thank you for reminding me of the light and power my daughter carries! She is struggling recently and I frequently find myself feeling frustrated and occasionally genuinely downhearted at where "things went wrong", but she is human and on her own path--as are we all. There were genuine moments in "the field" and at the seminars. I am DEEPLY touched that my daughter was yours.
Thanks for your writing and the rawness. Some of it very similar to me and my own father, even the same name. Triggering but I had to keep reading. What you do is much appreciated. Thank you 💜💚🙏
The power of love and the love of power. So much said and not yet said. Daughter and daddy. Beauty and beast. So real and unreal. Becoming and unraveling. This hit the core of my psyche. Thanks for taking the time to share the story and the dance you have had with spectral substances. Much love as you move forward in grace and healing and the love you share with the world and others.
"Spectral substances", I like the way you put that. There is much I have learned from love, life, the seen, unseen, the toxic, and the holy. It is good to put it into writing.
Mmmmm. Thank you.
There is so much in your story that runs parallel to my experience of the person I spoke with you about personally, who also essentially died of medical neglect--by her own choosing. Also the narcissism theme swimming in the same pool as the big, big LOVE. In my early months of grieving her, it was such a phenomenal mind fuck. I noticed "out there" in the healy-feely world of grief processing (enter eye-rolling emoji HERE), not a lot of space is held for the ugly underbelly of grieving a narcissistic person. We are often quite conditioned to not speak ill of the dead, and instead place them on a pedestal of everlasting goodness--and that act alone is such a dissociative action. When I got to speak the dichotomy out loud and was genuinely heard by a few someones who knew her in the entirety of her spectrum, I could finally breathe all the way in and all the way out.
I hope this for you, Justice, that you speaking your goddamnmotherfucking TRUTH liberates you and liberates all who may feel stuck in the territory of complex grief.
So much love and wild respect to you.
Mourning a narcissist is a whole other thing isn't it?! I will not pretend Dad was something to me that he wasn't. I won't pretend that the way he lived his life and navigated his relationships wasn't at least as if not more painful than his death--which hurts! But to say that the "good" he did good others offsets or "balances out" the damage he did to every bloody person who tried to love him "intimately" is not a judgement call I'm going to make. I'm just going to keep writing about what actually happened and how I feel. Much love to you and the complexity of this specific grief.
What an incredibly beautiful and “real” sharing. I love your beauty, strength/power and vulnerability.
I feel better for having written it.
I really appreciate your complex, authentic, sharing. I can relate to so much of this in so many ways. Thank you.
Honored you found it.
Powerful revealing and deep insights into drugs and spiritual work. Yes often energy vampires in human and spirit form are attracted to both these mind altering "substances". There is healing and freedom possible. And also damage and slavery. So complex. Much love.
I met the entities before I ever tried the drugs.
I relate to this more than I have energy to express atm. On every level. Different story, but the same rhythm and energy, including seeing/experiencing harvesting by entities in the way you experienced. The similarity of that energy, to a class A addiction I also relate to and was aware of how it echoed in my own life. Yet it also made me supremely aware of dark/negative feasting energies working through people.
All of this is such a brilliant and succinctly written expression and I’m sorry for your loss. I also understand the mixed feelings.
My own father died a long time ago, but was very well known and there was a great amount of darkness and obvious spiritual forces at play ..and it left a hard legacy energetically beyond the ‘norm’ so I really get you( I feel )
Hardly anyone really understands my experiences so it’s nice to see something I relate to delivered with such clarity. Especially as these forces are still rearing their head and ricocheting in my own immediate family at present.
Thanks for sharing this writing 🙂
What you have shared adds another layer of understanding about the sociopath who targeted both of us. With this "understanding" about you, I am even less surprised we both became objects of prey to him. He actually said to me one time, "There will be things about me that will remind you of your dad. Those are your fears and shadows trying to get in our way." Uh, those are my instincts asshole, because you are a flaming narcissist just like him.
I wish you luck navigating the dynamics with your own family. It's fucking hard, but when we come through it we have ourselves in a way "they" never will.
Thanks and yes, he was hideous ~ it definitely makes and made sense even while I was in it. He was actually broken and confused by the time I left as he had not been able to break me or gaslight let alone have access to me. I was logistically stuck for the time I was there, but like you knew at first sight and scent. Split second! Fucking gross!
Actually come up against darker so see him as a pretty low level ‘demon’
Few understand so thank you!
He was hideous. I am glad you got away. I, too, have come up against worse. Amateur evil is so banal. Bleh!
Beautifully written. I have felt some guilt in examining my grief from my daughter's death this year. These feelings are usually brought on by the good and not-so-great aspects of both our relationships and personalities. After reading this, I realized that this is what a truthful relationship is: allowing and accepting the ugly parts along with the good.
You put into words what I sensed at the only Matrix conference I went to. I think it was the last one in San Farnsisco. I knew there was something powerful there but also something that had way too much ego to be healthy. Not just from your dad but also from the audience. The only experince that was pure and powerful centered on your daughter. I was standing in the back during the practice. Your daughter walked up to me and gently touched my heart with her index finger. Everything disappeared. There was only black, what I call the void, where all is created. Then suddenly I was on the floor and everything was back. Your daughter was standing over me worried she had hurt me. I assured her she hadn't and that I was fine. In fact, I was laughing. I wish I had told her that she had just given me the most brilliant and beautiful experience of the 3 days. Also the only real experience of Matrix I had. I am glad you were able to disconnect those cords.
Thank you again for opening your heart here
And I am so sorry for your daughter's death. Gawd how awful.
Thank you for reminding me of the light and power my daughter carries! She is struggling recently and I frequently find myself feeling frustrated and occasionally genuinely downhearted at where "things went wrong", but she is human and on her own path--as are we all. There were genuine moments in "the field" and at the seminars. I am DEEPLY touched that my daughter was yours.
Thanks for your writing and the rawness. Some of it very similar to me and my own father, even the same name. Triggering but I had to keep reading. What you do is much appreciated. Thank you 💜💚🙏
Glad you kept reading. Glad it is helpful. It's helping me right now, too.