I am a giver. I am a taker. I like the dance. I like the dance to be more or less equal, or at least reciprocal.
This acknowledgement of my preference is a form of boundary. Our relationships are not always going to be equal, but when we “fracture” ourselves to make others happy. or to habitually meet their needs above our own, there will be consequences.
I have given to the point of collapse in the past. I have had things taken from me that I did not wish to give. I have fawned my way through some of those dynamics—people pleasing and putting my own needs and feelings on the back burner for entirely too long. Eventually, when we over give we get angry about it. We may first become depleted and then resentful.
For many of us, it is the awakening of anger which calls forth healing. Why? Anger, especially in women, is a frequently suppressed emotion.
Often it is not safe for us to be angry. We can’t out anger the person who is intimidating us, so we resort to other biological and psychological means of adapting to survive. Namely: freezing and fawning. My own system has been coming out of that “mode” for a while now. I had some encounters in my past where my anger was absolutely not safe to express and some other situations where it undoubtably saved my life.
Not too long ago, I had a fight with someone very dear to me—not a physical fight—but it hurt just the same. Words were hurled from agitated, wounded places.
The thing about fighting for me is I can see the different “layers” at “play” even as they are unfolding. I could see my own abandonment wound raising its sad, ragged head and roaring at him for “leaving me”, something he was not at the moment doing, but something which has occurred in our past history with extremely painful repercussions for me (and something that is an older wound than this current dynamic). In return his betrayal wound responded with a terribly painful accusation. I did not “see” that in the moment, but I know.
As these words were being exchanged, I did not pause. I did not seek to understand. I reacted. I flew off the chair I was sitting on, yelled in his face, and stormed out the door. He followed and calmly told me to leave (a clearly expressed boundary). I negotiated around this request and after several hours of unfruitful discussion, we wound up in bed. It was a sweet, intimate interlude to this fight, but it was not the end. Some fights are like that because the wounds which propel them cannot be healed overnight if at all.
I was angry. Gawd I was angry. It wasn’t just at him and what he said in that moment. It was at the circumstances of my life which, at the time, felt out of my control. And they were. There were other layers there, as well. Older layers. Stories about the way I had mothered, stories from the way I was mothered all swirling around that wound, all contributing to my anger. All shrieking: “You’re being violated! You’re being abused, neglected, disrespected…etc”, some of which was true and some which was not.
Anger is a gift. It speaks to us not only when we are being violated, but when we are past our capacity, when we are in danger, when we are hungry, and when our limitations are being stretched. We can only stretch so far before we snap.
If we listen deeply to our anger, it gives us cues before it bubbles over. It may show up as a tension in our body, a restlessness in our limbs. It may remind us of its presence with rumbling in our belly. Our anger is an ally to our no, and without no, yes loses its meaning. Anger, therefore, is a key component to understanding and implementing our boundaries.
Boundaries begin inside of us. They are sensations that let us know we are moving in alignment with our capacity, or we are stretching beyond it. Boundaries, when working with our own or others pain and trauma, let us know if it's okay for us to proceed, to take action or not. Those signals from within our body tell us if it's an appropriate time to do things we are inclined to do for our healing (journaling, stretching working out, doing yoga, or even talking) or if we need to pause and wait. When we feel “no” to taking action, but push ourselves to do so anyway, we violate our own boundaries. So it’s not just about others “violating” us. It’s about taking accountability for how we can violate ourselves, too.
To return to my story about losing my temper, I have not yet felt the “nudge” from my body to re-engage with my friend. I want to, or at least part of me does, but my own need to protect myself is taking precedence over my need for “repair”. This is a form of containment for me, and it supports my sense of safety. Prioritizing this space, the underlying feelings, and the pace they want to be “moved” with is something I've been working towards for years, and it's an ongoing practice.
Without “containers” and agreements our relationships become quite messy. It's imperative for me to know where you and I begin and end to act accordingly for my own well being and the health of any relationship.
Burning a bridge “should” be the last resort for establishing a boundary and before we come to that fatal finale, conversations, space, reflection, and repair are some of the processes we undergo alone and together. However, our safety “should” never be compromised, and sometimes in order for us to heal our move to the next level in relationship, something’s gotta give.
Only you know how you feel inside yourself. Only you know what is truly right for you. You get to play with those feelings and edges in the ways that are meaningful. Sometimes we put certain ways of “learning” above our safety. Sometimes we make decisions which are reckless. Sometimes we choose people who are dangerous.
Whatever choices we make, we can always make new ones. We can change our minds, change our hearts, and place our feet on different paths.
Something’s gotta give, so let's start by giving ourselves compassion to be curious, explore, create, destroy, and in all other ways delve into the deliciousness which is our humanity and all the ways we relate with each other.
Lotsa love,
~Justice
I am offering an online webinar “Psychic Hygiene” tomorrow, Thursday May 23, 2024 at 3pm MT. If you are interested you can find details and registration here. The class will be recorded if you would like to purchase it, but are not available at that time.
Wow. Gut punch truth again. I was talking to a friend about this subject a few hours ago. I came home and found this beautifully written piece of truth in my in box. Thank you.
Yes, sister! Let's be compassionate enough to give us space to explore and create all sorts of things, including chaos. LOL.. (kitty dance feelings here)