Hello lovelies,
I had every intention of getting this post, as well as the meditation/practice video (which is linked here for my paid subscribers) out to you much sooner, but I got sick. And I have been having a hard time with recovering my energy, focus, and momentum.
This time of year tends to drag a bit for me, anyway, and in addition it feels like my immune system is struggling way more than usual.
Honestly, before I got sick I had a wave of exhaustion hit several days before my monthly cycle arrived, accompanied by some very heavy emotions surfacing. Namely: guilt. Why my psyche found it fitting to regurgitate some thoughts and not-quite-fully-processed feelings from a not-too-distant past experience is not entirely beyond me.
We are cyclical beings, and cyclical trauma as well as joy is real.
It’s perfectly natural for our bodies to “remember” events that our mind’s may erase or dim. And it’s good to take time to allow those sensations to surface, reflect, and create space for ourselves to seek resolution, care and peace.
I feel called to bring up the fact that the Latin root of resolve actually means to unwind or soften.
This time a couple of years ago I was in a wonderful place with a budding romance, and about to embark on a lovely adventure. Not long after that, some incidences occurred that led to lots of deep unraveling and, true to human nature, I believe there were elements of that scenario that could have played out differently. Namely: I “should” have trusted in my body and in my magic more fully, as not doing so led to more trauma, drama, guilt, shame, and eventually disconnection. And, yes, this is me being “hard” on myself—and I know it. That, too, is part of the resolving.
It’s okay that my sweet cyclically attuned body needed to bring these feelings up for examination. It’s okay that my immune system crumpled in its defenses enough to allow some “bug” in for a few days. It’s okay that my mind, and my head succumbed to brain fog and intense sinus swelling in partnership with my psyche’s desire to be free from some slightly torturous inner drama.
Sometimes our psyches partner with illness to allow certain things to surface.
If we can “lean in” during these times instead of pushing through or conking ourselves out with aggressive cold medicines, we may learn something from our fevered dreams and down time, something that is asking for our kindness, care and attention.
Guilt directly cuts me off from my body.
As I lay for a few days replaying things I “should” have done differently, I found my head would swell and ache even more when I was rumination and being hard on myself. The more I brought myself into the miniscule sensations—my breath, my sweat, the tiny whistle of air wheezing through my nostrils, and even my nausea—the more ease I felt in my body and more space was created in my mind.
I gave in and handed myself over to necessary pull of my sheets and swam in mugs of hot tea and endless baths. I did not push. I barely ate, and slept as much as I could—and it passed.
I feel more clear.
I feel more attuned to what my body wants, likes, and needs.
Walking through the grocery store having come out on the other side, certain foods “called” clearly to me. I loaded my cart with pineapple, yams, a rotisserie chicken, rice, hearty bread, and broth. I came home and cooked, and sliced fresh fruit, and roasted garlic. I used every ounce of my regained strength to nourish myself.
Speaking of cycles: this very thing happened last year—nearly to the date. I think I moved through this even more graciously than last time. I think the thoughts evicted themselves sooner. I think my body found its balance with less time and discomfort. I think that’s a win!
And I think this is a good reminder for me why I need to prioritize my body even more so this time of year. It feels sensitive and more open to pools of collective reflective energies. This is why I slow down, stay in and say “no” to overly bustliness of this season, and choose to tend myself and my loved ones instead.
As things tend to move so in my world, I found my family here in my little tin cottage last night on Mother’s night, the beginning of the Twelve Days of Yule.
I shared the gifts I had bought for my daughter and husband (clothes), and the little trinkets for my granddaughter. I was beyond tickled when my daughter brought up that she would like an oracle deck soon, so I pulled out the several I have for her to look at, when suddenly the “right” one occurred to me: the “Inner Child Deck of Fairytales”. As it so happens this was the deck her grandmother (my mother) gifted me on my first Mother’s Day, the one in which my own daughter was still a seedling barely sprouting in my womb. This seemed most fitting for Mother’s Night.
And my sweet one who is now herself a mother of two, got little tears in her baby-blues. She gets it. She, too, is coming into here own magic.
As I gather the energy to record this meditation for you, I am also deeply feeling into who and what I want devote my resources to.
I may thrift a gift basket for my neighbors; that inspiration came to me yesterday. I also bought my daughter a highchair for the little one, and a subscription to Nat Geo for the older sister which will come once a month to their home, addressed with her name on it. Things needed and significant instead of buying the girls junk that will get lost, broken, and wind up in landfill. I sent a close friend a bit of money, as her doggie had an unexpected surgery. And I thrifted my lover a fantastic fleece, as he is constantly putting holes in things. Something for my yummy chocolate man-of-roommate is also on the list, and I bought myself a great pail of boots, and flowing velvet dress that made me feel like a vintage art nouveau goddess; both thrifted.
It’s not a matter of expense or brand so much as alignment when we gift from our hearts and souls. Embodiment, giving, and receiving is a matter of checks and balances with what is valuable as well as sustainable. No reason to feel indebted or go into debt ever when abundance is our truest nature.
May you find a sense of balance and belonging in these darker days.
Lotsa Love,
Justice
If you are looking for gifts for yourself, a loved one or a friend, everything from sessions, to courses to trinkets is 20% off on my website until Dec 31. Just use code* MYTHANDMAGIC at check out. www.sensesandsymbols.com