A writer does not need to be able to physically speak to convey ideas. She does, however, need to be able to do so to hold a speaking circle and right now I can’t.
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I’m going on day 4 of dancing with what I guess is the flu. I get sick maybe once a year and this is my yearly tango, I suppose. It goes about the same way every time. It starts as a tickle in my throat then moves to my head where it seems to swell my skull matter as well as thoughts, exacerbating “shadow” story lines, amping up the second-guessing and throwing shade at the way that I choose to walk in the world. Specifically it goes after my interface with intimacy, but it also likes to poke holes at how I work with my creative energy including my professional client/student relationships.
In essence, anything that matters this “shadow” consciousness attacks, belittles, and undermines when I am weak. These criticisms are not bound only to when I am feeling unwell, I am however most susceptible to them when my physical immunity is low. Is this a coincidence? I think not.
The wily psychological character that we can think of as “the predator” knows when we are weak. It can smell blood in the water.
At some level I knew that this was coming because of a dream I had earlier in the month in which I was taking back something precious of mine that “the predator” had stolen from me. Again, not a coincidence the timing of this dream right around ovulation, or the fact that I had every intention of “releasing” this consciousness with this month’s bleed which I am currently winding down. These are agreements I make monthly with my body: shed what no longer needs to be '“housed” within me.
I have been wanting to talk about this dream, and about “the predator”, specifically, but with the holidays all around us it has not felt like the time and it still does not quite yet. So I will just leave this as a little teaser for a later conversation which will delve into details of how we can confront this consciousness (that of “the predator”) in ourselves, in our dreams, and in our life.
I suspect that I am not alone in meeting various aspects of “self” when I am feeling unwell. I think to some degree that fever dreams provide us the opportunity to explore our psyche and the realms of the Unseen. They may not make sense in a linear or logical way, but for those of us who do practice dream “knowing” this can be rich territory for exploration and interpretation.
Shameless Plug: This is what we do in the Dream Keys course which I am next offering the start of February 2, 2025. We don’t do this with fever dreams specifically, but with all dreams, visions, daydreams, and various forms of journeying and liminal consciousness. For anyone interested it is a delightful course! Check it out if so inspired.
Being ill, however, does tend to open us up, to lower our defenses in some ways even as our immune systems go “five alarm” to protect us. People who have experienced life-threatening illnesses often speak of “communicating with the other side” of seeing loved ones or having “shamanic” experiences tied to their illness. One of the marks of traditional shamanism is in fact a “brush with death.” This usually comes in the form of a life-threatening illness that brings the person into a deeper relationship with mortality and with the Unseen.
Is every illness an “initiation”? Hardly! We do not want to turn our immune responses into some sort of viral Ouroboros—forever chasing our tails in search of enlightenment through illness…Ew! Neither do we want to fall into the narrative that we are spiritually “failing” or “impure” if we get sick. I have heard that one way too many times and it is so not true.
Illness is a part of life. We share our bodies with a host—as a host—to loads of viruses, bacteria, and other microbes and pathogens. What we think of as “being human” is only a small component of our makeup. There are so many factors that go into what composes “wellness” for us from the bodies we were born from, the soil we touch, the food we eat, the air we breathe, the thoughts, we think, the feelings we express or subsequently “bury”. We are ecosystemic in our wellness and in our illnesses. We do not become ill alone anymore than we recover in isolation.
We, in and of ourselves, are community.
Our Self is the governing consciousness and we can learn to communicate with all the various parts within us—cellular, organs, blood, tissue, bones, soul, soma, and psyche. This approach can guide us looking for ways to harmonize what is going on within us, to work with symptoms as guides rather than to simply suppress them.
So though I cannot actually hold a place for your to share your stories today, I will encourage you to listen to what your body is saying to wrap your ears and your heart around that tale and if so inspired give it voice, either in the comments or in a journal or just whispered to yourself.
