13 Comments
User's avatar
margarete's avatar

Such a weird and surreal situation for you, compared to others grieving loss of their parents. . Your dad is/was idealized as being so loving with an open heart by thousands, and here you were- locked out, not able to have closure, and he didn't "make things right" as it appeared. I'm so sorry and wish that it could've been, could be different. So f'd up.

Expand full comment
Justice Bartlett's avatar

It's messy for sure. The equanimity feels real, but so does the rage. I can hold both and care for the kids as needed as well. That is what matters.

Expand full comment
Katrina Monaghan's avatar

I feel this deeply too. My dad is here and the way he has been with others is this kind, warm loving man….. but with my family and I, he’s very defensive. Justice, your writing truly helps me in ways I can’t explain. It’s so relatable. Although I feel like I’d have a harder time if my dad died then my mother, I feel it’s relatable in many ways. Grieving our parents before they’re gone because the neglect has been here since we’ve been on earth is such a visceral feeling for anyone who has experienced that.

I’m thinking of you and sending you a big ol hug. I know we don’t know each other yet somehow in your writing, I feel known.

The way you express the range of being okay and it changing from moment to moment is beautiful.

Expand full comment
Justice Bartlett's avatar

Helping someone else feel seen by the way I write is about all a writer can ask for.

Thank you for sharing that.

Expand full comment
brenna wilcox's avatar

The story goes on....brave of you to share. I did my best therapy with disappointing dad AFTER he died. I laid it out with my mother BEFORE she died. They left me the same gifts: my existence and heart prints that never fade. Grateful am I. Love rules with or without them.

Expand full comment
Justice Bartlett's avatar

Yes, we can continue to process and communicate regardless of their participation, "heart imprints" for sure.

Expand full comment
Cyann Bartlett's avatar

Beautifully honest process

an in between chapter

we need a book one day

Expand full comment
Justice Bartlett's avatar

I'm close to being done with a book. Time and mental space has been hard to come by for a few months, but we'll get there.

Expand full comment
Kate McDonald's avatar

Relief. It's not the Hollywood expected response to someone we used to call Daddy dying. It's what I have mostly felt in the last year. Everyone loved my charming father. I'm mostly relieved, a little frustrated and quite alone in these feelings. I'm sending you a pocket hug to pull out if you want it. I'm sad for you, a very loveable human, having this experience.

Expand full comment
Justice Bartlett's avatar

It is not the expected, no, but it is real. I will take your pocket hug and offer you one in return, Kate.

Expand full comment
janean's avatar

Hey Justice…in case no one has mentioned this. A dear friend told me this, after my Dad passed and I found it super helpful cuz I realized it was part of the process and I wasn’t going bonkers. You may find your memory suffers.. stuff you used to easily remember ya just can’t find. I just let it be ok and…it does eventually pass. Also, all of the 'firsts' are the hardest….things that come up that you did with your dad or talked about. The first time they occur after he passes, I found, were the hardest. Hope this helps a little as it appears to be pretty universal responses to loss.

Expand full comment
Justice Bartlett's avatar

I am noticing the memory thing as well as time slippage.

Expand full comment
janean's avatar

I found it a relief to know that both are a normal part of the process!

Expand full comment