Addiction is not a "Dirty" Word.

How bout some compassion!

Addiction, and addictive tendencies, is “up” for me right now. And based on the people I work with and talk to, I am not alone there.

Addiction is a tender topic that can be rife with misunderstanding, judgment, and shame. So let’s first be clear about what addiction is not: a disease, a moral failing, a character flaw, or a spiritual deficiency.

What is it then? Well, that is a complex response, and it’s underlying “root” is different for each individual as is the expression of the tendency. Addiction is essentially a distortion in our life-force covering up a very human need.

I have been transparent about my history with addiction.

I actually consider it one of my qualifiers to work with people in the way I do. The fact that I engaged in a mind, body, soul-destroying substance (meth) for 7 years, and not only lived to tell about it, but barely carry the imprint anymore is gawd-damn impressive. I have been “clear” of that substance for eighteen years, by the way.

I say “barely carry the imprint” because if I am honest, if we are honest, we all have addictive tendencies. Quitting something “cold turkey” in no way guarantees the end of an addiction. Quitting is actually often the start of the work.

“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection.” ~Johann Hari

Though “connection” is what some people are seeking through the enactments of their addictive tendencies; that is not true for everyone.

There is “something” because we do not genuinely crave substances or experiences that are harmful for us. However, some of our addictive tendencies are cravings for things that we can’t live without, like food, so abstinence is not an option. We actually have to feel into what is going on inside of us in order to come into right relationship with the thing we are using.

Technology is a great example of this for me. I can’t “quit” my phone, though I did pull the FaceBook app off of it yesterday. I do this a couple of times a year, and it is good for me. Social media is also a “tool” that I need to help support my business and reach people.

“Reaching” people is what underlies most of my addictive tendencies.

How do I know? I’ve explored it.

I’ve gotten quiet with my mind, tuned into my body and asked: “What do you need?” And the feeling that emerges is almost orgasmic! It is the feeing I get in bigger and smaller doses when I accomplish something (dopamine), when I have a great conversation with a friend, or an especially good session with a client (oxytocin).

You see, addictions are internal as well as external. They are hormonal, behavioral, and thought processes as much as, if not more than, “substance” dependencies.

Very often we crave specific hormonal cocktails that we ourselves manufacture or, as is the case with dopamine depletion, that we can no longer manufacture on our own. When we habitually flood our bodies with dopamine, our bodies lose the ability to make it. That is exactly what the dreaded “come down” feeling that drives many addictions is all about. And I will tell you from experience that it is brutal. But you probably know, because we can get “high” on things like sugar, TV, video games, and of course—social media. Hello dopamine! And then it feels shitty when we try to go without them.

So we want to get curious about what we need, and we need to know that meeting that is not a one-size-fits all “cure”.

The need for me “under” my own addictive tendencies is connection. And there is nothing “wrong” or “dirty” about that.

Where “dirty” typically comes into play, is that many of us tend to think of addicts in regards to people who have lost control to their addictions; people who are doing illicit drugs, people who are stealing to support their habits, who have lost custody of their kids, or who wind up in jail or prison. So…aside from jail and prison—I have been in all of those positions.

Do you think less of me? I did for a long time, and to be honest the feelings of guilt and shame still occasionally visit me, but it’s not about what I did then, but how I am—after all these years (18!)—still struggling with remaining tendencies.

Sadly, it is people who have lost so much—who are mired in shame and often poverty—who are the people who we tend to think of as “dirty” when we talk about addiction. And though we definitely need clear boundaries to negotiate with people who are in that state, we do not need to vilify them. Because whether we are aware or not, we are also judging ourselves for our own shortcomings. It’s easier to point the finger at someone who seems to have it worse than us when we can make up stories about their moral failings as evidence of how they got there. But guess what, that is exactly what (in some way) we are also doing to ourself.

Pointing the finger at “others’ seems to, and can even temporarily alleviate our own discomfort, but in the long run there are always more fingers pointing back at us, than can ever be extended at another. Seeing someone else as “dirty” for something that they struggle with can distract us from the places in ourself where we feel insufficient or unworthy.

Shame crawls from on person to the next looking to make nest in our neural networks, while effectively shutting us down from feeling compassion for ourselves and others. It is a lonely and isolating place to dwell, wrapped in these cycles of agitation, use, and temporary relief—that is the cycle of an addiction—and though it is not our fault that we have fallen into whatever it is that we “cycle” with, it is our privilege and our responsibility to explore why.

So I will ask:

What is it in your own life that has that addictive “pull” for you? How do you feel when you are “using” it? What does it bring to your life? What does it take away? Who are you when you are with it? And you might you be without it?

Last but not least: “What does this substance, experience, or process feel like in your body, and what do you truly want and need?

As you ask yourself these questions, offer yourself a little grace for truly it is curiosity and compassion that can cleanse our weary souls.

Lotsa love,

~Justice